Do you have chittering brain weasels messing with you?
Confession time. While I can put on an excellent façade of confidence and self-assurance – I am in an ongoing war with self-doubt, my self-worth, and the like.
This is a war I’ve been fighting all my life. Though I win many of the battles of this war – I know that it has no end in sight.
Most of the time, this is a cold war. Lots of posturing, threats, and various BS. But then, sometimes, skirmishes occur. Like whenever I push to put out a book, share a blog, do something outside of my comfort zone, and so on.
What do these skirmishes look like? Action on my part versus resistance from my self-doubt, lower self-worth, and self-sabotage. When action occurs, it moves from a cold war to a hot war.
For all the time where I am acting on things, there are lots and lots and lots of times where I am just thinking. Or between such definite action. Such things include doing a project like writing before publishing, background work for my job, homework for my coach, and so on. Relatively speaking, this is action – but it’s more passive, like a sonar open and detecting but not pinging actively.
And that’s when they dig their claws and teeth into me. The bloody brain weasels. Small, pernicious, negative, sometimes downright unpleasant thoughts and feelings.
What in the hell are brain weasels?
I’ve written about this topic before. More than once. I’ve referred to them by other names, such as squirrels in the brain, doubts, saboteurs, and the like.
Whatever you choose to call them, they are those tiny voices that crop up from time to time that magnify subconscious doubts, uncertainty, concerns, and the like.
Some writer you are – you have published all those books and you still don’t make enough to cover what you spent on editing/cover art. Keep doing what you’re doing – how long until your wife is disappointed in you? Maybe they’re right – you can’t do this. You love that definition of insanity, don’t you? How long until they realize you’re not any good at this and replace you?
My brain weasels tend to be sarcastic AF. They’re mean, nasty, and hideous. They know exactly what my soft points are, know how to magnify all the negativity in my brain, and cause me to feel like garbage.
What’s more, the slightest thing can get them going. A throwaway remark, some past memory, seeing that thing on my desk that reminds me I am struggling, or anything else you can conceive of.
Brain weasels are both thoughts and feelings. They tend to tie all elements of the self – conscious, subconscious, and ego – together. Because they are so insidious – they are distressingly effective.
Why am I personifying them? Because I believe doing so makes them easier to see as something tangible rather than intangible. For example – it’s easier to throw away a piece of paper than an unwritten thought, or stomp on a brain weasel.
The struggle is real
Today, I am writing about my brain weasels because I need to see them more clearly. Sharing them in this way also adds accountability of a sort. Here they are – plain as day, not hiding in the darker recesses of my heart, head, and soul.
Also – I know I’m not alone in this struggle. And sharing might help you, too.
I think creatives tend to deal with this sort of thing more frequently. Why? Because we’re both in competition with other creators – and not.
For example – there are many, many other sci-fi and fantasy writers in the world beyond me. Some of them are big names familiar to wide audiences. Others are less familiar, but still more familiar than I am to audiences who buy books and audiobooks we create.
The truth is that there is plenty of room for us all.
I am not in competition with any of these authors. Nor authors who write similar blogs to mine. BUT – when I look at another’s Amazon rankings, see the phrase “NY Times Bestseller”, or watch another author’s book made into a TV show or movie – a comparison happens.
It is human nature to look at the accomplishments of another and compare yourself to them. But then, it’s a choice on your part how to handle the comparison you make and what impact, if any, that makes on you.
The real competition isn’t with forces outside of myself. It’s within.
Getting real with yourself
Save professional sports, formal contests for merit and achievement, game shows, and the like – we are not in competition.
Yet you and I are often presented with concepts of competition. These are born from artificial lack, scarcity, and insufficiency created to drive markets. These get emphasized by business leaders, politicians, and others to disempower and maintain various forms of control.
You are not in competition with anyone else. There are more than enough readers for our books, listeners for our podcasts, viewers for our videos and art, and so on. You are not in competition with me, and I am not in competition with you, either.
But I am in competition with myself. How? In two ways.
First – improving my craft. The writer I was 10 years ago was good. The writer I am today is better. And I am working so that the writer I will be tomorrow is even better still. That’s competition with myself.
Second – overcoming the brain weasels. When they bite, scratch, claw, and otherwise lash out at me – telling me I am no good, worthless, unworthy, and all else – resisting them is a form of competition.
Whenever I give up, stop believing in myself, and allow the brain weasels to dictate who, what, where, how, and why I am – I lose.
This is my life – and I get one chance to live it and experience it the best that I can.
As soon as I give in to the brain weasels – I let a piece of myself die. And that is unacceptable.
Not today, brain weasels
The struggle is real. The war is ongoing – hot or cold. But I know this. And I choose to wage this war on my terms.
I know that there are always going to be moments where it feels like I am losing. And I know that I will lose some of the battles with my brain weasels.
But the fight is worthwhile. I won’t give up or give in. Not today, brain weasels. These are not the droids you are looking for – move along!
If you know this struggle – even by another name – know that you, too, can win the war. Every day that we beat our brain weasels, we are that much stronger for the next fight.
That, to me, is utterly worthwhile.
You and I can do virtually anything we set our minds to. Our only true competition is with ourselves. I’ve got this. You’ve got this. Let’s kick ass and take names.
Take that, brain weasels!
Thank you for being part of this wild ride.
This is the one-hundred and fifty-eighth article exploring the ongoing creative process. Please take a moment to check out the collection of my published works, which can be found here.
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