This is a good thing. Writing is in my blood. To quit is not an option.
The first sci-fi novel I wrote when I was 9 years old is impressive only because of the age I was when I wrote it.
Wildfire is 50 pages and illustrated. It’s the story of how the adults of the world allow robots to take over and do everything. In time, the kids rebel, steal military equipment, and create a hideout in the Grand Canyon to attack from.
There is adventure, romance, combat, and intrigue. Or, you know, as much as a 9-year-old can build such.
After writing this, the urge to write continued. I started another illustrated sci-fi story I didn’t finish. I typed my 36-page homage to Tron – called The Secret Computer World – at 13.
My writing began to slow down, though. I was working on a fantasy epic into college and wrote an award-winning technothriller short story in my senior year of High School.
In college, with the pursuit of my theatre degree (ironically largely outside the actual theatre department) and college radio work, writing fell away.
It wasn’t until I was almost 2 years out of college (digression – I stayed in my college town for a year after graduating and took some odd jobs before moving on) I started writing again. While working my first real job, there were long periods of downtime. During one, a scene came to my head.
That scene would evolve into my Source Chronicles fantasy series.
This would return me to writing. In time, I realized that writing is not simply something I do. It’s a compulsion. I need to craft works like I need to breathe air.
This is why I can’t quit – even if I think I should.
Why would I think I should quit?
I decided at the end of 2020 to take on a somewhat daunting project. I had started publishing my Void Incursion sci-fi/sci-fantasy series during 2020 and had a couple more books nearly complete. Shifting from writing as a pantser to a planner, I plotted out my Forgotten Fodder sci-fi series. I decided that for 2021 I could publish 6 novels total.
And I did.
But recently, beginning to think about my tax return and claims for the year, I finally crunched numbers.
On the surface – writing a novel and publishing via Kindle Direct Publishing (KDP) costs $0. I do not doubt that some people could spend no money in the process.
I am not one of those people. Because I am not a skilled artist – and believe in having professional editing done to my work – those were expenses paid for each of the 6 books.
I charged forward through 2021, writing, editing, and recording the audiobooks for Forgotten Fodder. Despite desiring to never do this again – I had to use my credit cards to keep up with the editing and cover art costs.
Oh, and there were some marketing and advertising costs, too.
In short – on analysis, I realized that I have spent a lot more money than I have brought in via my work.
Math has never been my strong suit. But I am rather certain that I have earned back about 5% of what I have paid out.
And that is why I started to think I should quit.
Not a good place to go
This realization started to send me down a negative spiral.
Who am I kidding? Professional author? I’ve got 11 published novels available in Kindle and paperback and earn practically nothing. And why am I not earning more from my many blog posts? I am a joke. My worth is lacking. Give up. Quit. Stop fooling yourself, dumbass. Move on.
Hardly complimentary, no? My wife got to see my shoulders slump while I admitted defeat with great resignation and sadness.
I consoled myself with pizza and vegging in front of the TV. Not my best choice of meal, but pizza is comfort food. I let myself wallow.
After I climbed into bed and began to doze off, a random phrase jumped into my head. Two words. My eyes shot open. Oh – that’s the title for the 5th Forgotten Fodder novel (the start of a 2nd story arc).
I couldn’t let it slip away. I got out of bed, wandered into my office, and wrote it down.
As I went back to bed, it occurred to me that I can’t quit. This is my passion. Writing feels good, brings me joy, and makes me happy.
This morning, I am fighting the resistance, brain weasels, and fear that got ahold of me yesterday. Do I truly believe that I should quit? Hell no.
What’s more – I am absolutely certain this is what I am meant to do with my life.
If I quit, I will be discontent
I have consciously chosen my own path in life. Years ago, I decided that the conventional is not for me. I’m a creative. And while I do have several creative talents – writing is my first and most beloved.
It is my greatest desire in this life to do what I can to be a Warrior of the Light (ala Paulo Coelho). That means I work actively to do what I can to make this world a better place and help people wake up and live. Really live. Fully and joyfully.
Ambitious? Sure. But I have a path to do that. And it comes in my writing – no matter the form it takes.
- Professional writing is the avenue for me to impact business communication for the better.
- Blog writing is how I help people in similar situations work through their challenges with the creative process, mindfulness, positivity, and conscious reality creation.
- Fiction writing is how I share my imagination – and potentially awaken imagination and creativity in others. Like how Star Wars did for me so long ago.
All these forms are part of my path. Each gets regularly expressed. I can’t quit because this is where my passion is.
The thought that I should quit is not my own. How do I know this? Because, deep down, I don’t believe I should quit. This notion is born of what I think others expect of me; old, buried, outdated beliefs; and messages buried in my subconscious about starving artists and success that need to be disregarded – and eventually uprooted and replaced.
Writing is my passion – so I can’t quit.
And I don’t truly believe that I should. I know, intellectually, what I’m dealing with. This is Steven Pressfield’s “Resistance” and Jen Sincero’s “Big Snooze (BS)”.
The perils of traversing your chosen path
What are “resistance” and the “big snooze”? They are those forces that align against you to stop the pursuit of your dream.
Mostly, they are not from without. Rather, they come from within. These forces manifest in your ego – preventing you from leaving your comfort zone (even when you desire to leave it).
Resistance and the big snooze start within – but can also fight you from without. That’s because consciousness creates reality. Or, often in this case – subconsciousness creates reality.
As you get nearer to your goal and your dream – shit hits the fan. That’s what I experienced when I looked at how little I have made on my books and blogging compared to what I’ve spent.
It is my ego that thinks I should quit. Why? Because it is comfortable in the life I have. What is it about how my life will look that scares my ego so much if I succeed? I have no idea. And that’s the problem.
It’s all about uncertainty and intangible fears of potential suffering that could occur.
There are always obstacles and challenges when you choose your life path. And while this can be infuriating, upsetting, and disheartening sometimes – like last night’s episode for me – overall, it’s utterly worthwhile.
Despite not yet earning what I know I am worth – I do it for love. This is my passion. This is my joy. That’s why I know that I not only can’t quit- but shouldn’t quit.
Resistance, or the big snooze, are nothing but ego-born challenges as I step out of my comfort zone. But the reality is that I believe in who I am, what I am doing, and will continue to grow and learn along the way.
That’s why I can’t quit, and this is a good thing. Writing is in my blood. To quit is not an option.
This is the one-hundred and thirty-ninth article exploring the ongoing creative process. Please take a moment to check out the collection of my published works, which can be found here.
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