I do not like to admit that I am afraid. What’s more, it’s a super-intangible fear, and I’ve been letting it kick my ass.
I am going to get very personal here, because this entire week has made it abundantly clear that I am off course.
All week I have been avoiding doing the things I should do. I have not been writing any of my fiction works. Meditation has been avoided. I even skipped out on a couple of fencing practices – and if you know me, you know that NEVER happens.
I have been distracted, and played with multiple distractions all week, knowing full well that I was avoiding my work.
Hell, by now, this blog should already be written and getting posted. Yet here I am, fighting to get the words out my head and onto the screen.
Where is this resistance coming from? How come I am having such a nasty case of the dontwannas?
The real question, at the heart of ALL of this is actually – what am I so afraid of?
I believe that I am afraid I will succeed. But the real fear is not of the success – it is that I will really shine, and be more than I am…and lose people and myself because of it.
Jen Sincero, in one of her You are a Badass books, introduced me to an incredible piece by Marianne Williamson called Our Deepest Fear. On many, many levels this speaks to me.
In particular, this:
“Our deepest fear is not that we are inadequate.
Our deepest fear is that we are powerful beyond measure.
It is our light, not our darkness
That most frightens us.”
Can you see why this speaks to me?
Afraid of the intangible can be addressed
It took me a while to call myself a writer. For a long time, I didn’t really do much with it. Seven years ago, in an effort to write more as a New Years action, I began Pathwalking every week. I have continued, and taken a new and unexpected path as an author.
It began with fiction. My first sci-fi story came into being when I was nine. I have continued to write fiction, largely fantasy and sci-fi since. The first two books of The Source Chronicles are published…and I really need to work on Book 3 (editing editing editing).
Two and a half years ago, I started to address something that was distressing me. It was my desire, as a writer, to be known as a fiction author. And yet, here I was, also diving headfirst into self-help, mindfulness and conscious reality creation work. Not just dipping a toe, but really swimming in that ocean. Divide myself into two, one author for fiction and one for non-fiction?
For a time, I blogged about this, creating my weekly Crossing the Bridges posts. I decided that I am me, and that in my lone guise, I can be both a fiction and non-fiction author.
To that end, I have three projects in the works right now. The sci-fi omnibus (which, just this morning as I woke up, I might have finally come up with a name for); Harbinger, the third book in The Source Chronicles; and You Are Amazing – How to Create a Kickass Life, which is a reworking of blog posts into a book that I think could impact a lot of people.
All of these need my attention. Each of them should be worked on. And yet…this week has been challenging.
Why? And – how do I fix this?
Do not be afraid
Easier said than done, right? Because this is a completely intangible fear, and not a simple fear, not being afraid is challenging. How do I move past this?
I need to stop giving in – but more than that, I need to not berate myself if I do. EVERYBODY has bad days. Ok, so I have let my depression get the better of me this week. Acknowledged. Now it is time to stop beating myself up about this, and take some actions that will possibly overcome the fear.
I believe that it is time for me to make a schedule for myself.
Lists have never been my strong suit. Nor has writing things down been a regular practice on my part. But I think one of the best ways I can take better care of myself and stop being afraid of what might be is to build a daily schedule.
I am a Virgo, after all. Might also have some OCD tendencies from time to time. This will not be easy…but nothing worth having is ever easy.
It is my intent to report back to you on this when I blog here again in two weeks. One more bit of wisdom from Marianne Williamson:
“As we’re liberated from our own fear,
Our presence automatically liberates others.”
Thank you for reading these words, and taking part in my ongoing journey. Thank you for joining me.
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