I think more trust and faith in myself would open more doors.
Cheesy as this might read – I know my purpose in life.
What is it? I’m a storyteller.
Some of the stories that I tell are pure fiction. Or, more specifically, sci-fi and fantasy. Other stories are life lessons via mindfulness, conscious reality creation, and positivity.
Storytelling on my part is to entertain, inspire, and help where and how I can. My greatest joy always comes from doing whatever I can to help others to grow and thrive. That, I believe, is what I am here to do.
Storyteller was, long ago, a rarified position. But nowadays it’s unconventional. Thus, getting paid to do such work is equally challenging.
Authors, teachers, artists – we’re among the people who are not easily paid the highest salaries. What’s more, we’re expected to be tremendous givers and accept that our remuneration should be largely intangible.
It’s a dominant message of this society. Unless you’re a wild success – expect to struggle. The notion of the “starving artist” is a constant message, along with how altruism and giving without reservation simply don’t garner financial gain.
There’s nothing I can do about these false notions. At least, not for the big picture views on life, the Universe, and everything. When it comes to me and my life, however, all the power is in me.
And that comes down to trust and faith in myself and my arts from there.
Who in the hell am I?
If I run a Google search about myself, my Google Business profile pops up, as does my author website, my Amazon author page, my LinkedIn profile, and most of my other online presence. Also, the really bad audiobooks I narrated (like, these were either terrible translations to English or otherwise bot-assembled books. But I was paid for the work, so I did it.)
This presents a fairly decent picture of who I am, frankly. But it still lacks in detail on many levels. What’s more – it doesn’t make much of a case for me to persuade you, or anyone, to patronize my work.
Sure, I have a presence. But my brand recognition is limited.
How many authors and artists can you name? And how many of them can most people name? I think everyone in sci-fi and fantasy knows Tolkien, Gaiman, Martin, and McCaffery. And even if you aren’t able to name the period and style of their art, you likely recognize Picasso, Michelangelo, DaVinci, and Dali. All of them have extreme brand recognition.
Despite being searchable on Google, I’m a relative unknown. Even in my personal circles, many don’t recognize me as an author.
I’m not blaming anyone for any of that. What’s the point? Nevertheless, my trust and faith in myself and my ability to create worthy art often feels tentative at best.
Seeking trust and faith in myself and my arts
For most of my life, I’ve accepted the messages about the starving artist, that being an author is a struggle, and that without credentials or fancy education-related initials after my name I am no authority on the nonfiction topics.
Hence, I spend a lot of time fighting to build faith and trust in myself and the voracity of the work I do.
I often speculate that the biggest obstacle to me making a sustainable income from my writing is me. Lack of faith and lack of trust in myself, my worth, and my value.
Sure, I need people to buy my books and read my blogs. But while on the one hand, I show a lot of confidence in what I do, on the other hand, I struggle with genuinely feeling confident.
What’s more, those outside messages bounce around my head like pinballs in a game. So rather than recognize my success in having completed as much work as I have, I question my value.
What will it take for me to build more trust and faith in myself and my arts?
Likely, it all comes down to intent.
But first, I need to reclaim my trust and faith in myself.
Losing and finding trust and faith
There are a lot of would-be authors and artists out there. People with great ideas who have never gotten past the idea. Maybe they plotted a story but haven’t written chapter 1. Perhaps they have the idea for a song or a painting but haven’t written a note or put brush to canvas.
In 2020 and 2021, I published 9 books in total. And I took a risk, and ran up my credit card debt to pay for editing and covers for them all (and to redo covers on my fantasy novels). Here I am, halfway through 2022. I have 2 books finished – one I’m editing, the other ready to go to the editor.
But given my ROI from the last 2 years of publishing – I can’t in good faith pay the money to bring those works to the next steps for publishing.
This is frustrating. I had intended to release the 5th and final Void Incursion novel by now. But I haven’t.
The low ROI has had a real negative impact on my trust and faith in myself. I believe that I’m a storyteller – and a decent one – and yet, the numbers don’t reflect that.
Thus, my trust and faith are shaken. And I hear the brain weasels and outside messages of society telling me to give up, cut my losses, and go be the corporate drone I should accept myself to be.
But that’s not me. That’s not what I am here to do.
How do I restore my trust and faith in myself?
Disconnect to reconnect
I’m going to be honest with you. I have no idea how to do this.
Here is what I do know: what I have been doing hasn’t been working. So, what do I do now?
First – I need to take more complete actions. I need to truly disconnect from social media. Go onto them long enough to share what I need and desire to share – then step away and stay away.
Second – I really need to forgive myself. When every past error, mistake, transgression, and fuck-up rears its ugly head – I need to forgive myself for it. I can’t undo or redo my past. And on that note –
Third – stop connecting past to future. I need to be here, now, in the present. Mindful. Practice what I preach.
This is incomplete, and it’s fairly rambling. Yet I know mindfulness is the key to restoring my trust and faith in myself, and to do that I must disconnect who I was from who I desire to be AND be whole and present in the now.
Disconnect. Reconnect. Find and/or create new trust and faith in myself.
I have my marching orders. Let’s see what I can do with this.
Thanks for coming along on Mr. MJ’s Wild Ride.
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