Some struggles are not just ongoing, but deep rooted.
There are a number of different matters playing on my own psyche frequently. A lot of different ideas compounded by old, outdated “software.”
On the one hand, I know that I am worthy and deserving of conscious reality creation, and manifesting an incredible life. However, on the other hand I struggle with depression, belief that I am not good enough, ambitious enough, or talented enough to get there.
For probably more than half my life I believed that I was supposed to fit into a certain box. It was created and shaped in many cases by well-meaning people. Friends, loved ones would show me various angles of that box, and do their best to either help me into it, pry me into it, jam me into it, or otherwise make it fit.
Anyone who has known me for a significant amount of time will tell you that I do not fit into any specific boxes. They are also likely to tell you I am a little off, sometimes odd, and as my wife and my friend’s then 10-year-old daughter asserted, I am “cute, funny, and a little weird.”
Unfortunately, despite meditation, medication, and other practices, I still contend with depression, low self-esteem, and a sense of a lack of worth. No, not all the time, but there are far more bad days than I wish to contend with.
Jen Sincero, in You Are a Badass, talks about ways to address old, outdated programming and reprogram it. In this public forum, I desire to address a couple of these old thoughts, and do some work to uproot them and work to plant better ones.
Uprooting deep rooted thoughts
Let’s start with one of the biggies:
Old, deep rooted thought: I am undeserving
Why? I think I am lazy, unwilling to walk away from my comfort zones, unable to shut down and avoid distractions. Writer? I don’t write every day. Editor? Despite my best efforts, I am still unable to completely succeed in this practice, and continue to make largely dumb mistakes.
I was told long ago that success meant being something I have never desired – doctor, lawyer, merchant chief – and I suspect that that planted the seeds that I am, here in my mid-forties, unworthy of success because I chose none of these paths. Further, I was frequently told that writing and the arts, my passions, don’t pay. Not unless you can get super-lucky.
This goes back a long, long ways. Ergo, rooted pretty deep. SO – what new seed do I plant to replace this?
New thought: I am worthy and deserving
Everything I have read and listened to over the years has told me that I have the ability to do and be whomever I desire to be. The choices are mine to make. So I need to uproot the old thought, burn it down, and from its ashes plant new seeds. I am not a failure. Mistakes happen, and I can learn from them and move forward. I am always learning, growing, and changing. Maybe I am slow to overcome my comfort zones, but I see them. I am not lacking ambition, I can push as needs be.
Old, deep rooted thought: I am a failure
Why? I have resisted standard life approaches. Never held a career-focused job. Never earned big dollars as such. I didn’t marry until I was over forty, and will not be producing children. I have come pretty close to going bankrupt, and my capabilities with finances have often been proven lacking.
Thee is much evidence I have to support this. But I also know my bar for what I deem as success may well be too high. What new seed do I plant to replace this?
New thought: I am a success
I have a job I like, incredible relationships with friends and family, an excellent roof over my head, a bank account that is not empty, a loving wife, a growing blog and novels at various stages of completion. I am not slacking off or otherwise making no effort. There is much I have achieved, and even more I work with, but I am successfully here and overall doing well with my life.
Deep rooted doubts are hard to shake
I often wonder if I am doing enough. Am I working hard enough? Is there sufficient effort? I am sitting on several half-completed projects – am I taking the necessary actions to get them to the next level?
Every week I write about positivity, consciousness creating reality, and striving to walk my own path. Bi-weekly I podcast about Awareness for Everyone. My following is still small, and I often have doubts that what I am doing matters, makes a difference, or is in any way worthwhile.
A lot of this is based in outdated beliefs that I am not good enough, ambitious enough, consistent enough, worthy or deserving of better than mediocrity. Who am I to attempt to be someone?
Deep rooted, outdated programming. Yes, some was borne of attempts people made to comfort me or direct me somewhere they thought was for my own good. Yet I know they are not the truth. The truth is that I am worthy, deserving, and what I write and podcast about is not false.
As Marianne Williamson wrote in her work Our Deepest Fear,
“We ask ourselves
Who am I to be brilliant, gorgeous, talented, fabulous?
Actually, who are you not to be?
You are a child of God.”
Thank you for that. Time to uproot the deep rooted beliefs, and plant the new. I recognize that I won’t get them all pulled, but I can still remove enough to more easily grow roots of certainty in their place.
Thank you for reading these words, and taking part in my ongoing journey.
Thank you for joining me.
Please take a moment to explore the rest of the website, which I am working to evolve and change for the better…much like I am doing for myself. Also, visit Awareness for Everyone to check out my bi-weekly podcasts.
This is the fifteenth entry of my personal blog. Please take a moment to check out the collection of my published writing, which can be found here.
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